If you watch as much as porn as we do, then you know there are lots of movies that could do with a little editing or changing to get you better in the mood. So we asked; If you could tell porn producers one thing, what would it be? A lot of Redditors had some interesting things to say, from making a few tweaks to other finesse changes that would make your viewing experience much better.
Here’s some of what they would have to say, and it’s pretty funny and brilliant. Check out the thread here:
One person said: “Please, please, PLEASE. Tell the cameraman to shut the fuck up. Don’t need his creepy, annoying commentary.”
That’s pretty funny, as it’s almost like a play-by-play of what’s happening with random comments that not only kill the mood, but take you out of the moment when all you want to do is watch some hot raw sex.
Someone answered: “I cant help but hear this like a golf commentary, with the quiet voice.”
And the best response to that was:
“Oh and he’s done it what an excellent maneuver. Quiet applause. Yes he’s quite an expert with the larger wood. I think we can expect him to land something on the face with his next shot.”
You could rename that porn, literally, ‘Tiger’s wood’.
Another suggestion would be:
“There’s no need for the constant, nonstop fake moaning and grunting. If the actors are good enough to toss in realistic-sounding noises, great. There’s no need for the “nnnnyeah nnnnyeah nnnnyeah YEHYEHYEHYEHYEHYEH [squealing]” when the only thing that’s happened is he touched her boobs real quick.”
This is hilarious because what woman freaks out at a simple tug at her earlobe or nipple? Also the permanent “OH MY GOD” when getting fucked for half an hour is just not authentic. PornGatherer agrees on that!
Someone also added in:
“Especially threesome scenes where no one is touching girl #2 (not even herself) and she’s moaning even louder than the person who’s actually getting laid.”
Yes, producers, maybe getting girl #2 more involved would make for better threesomes instead of having her fake sympathy orgasms!
A practical piece of advice for those who can’t escape other’s noticing:
“Add subtitles for those family vacation getaways.”
Imagine the guy driving all the way to Florida, to only get to the hotel, grab his tablet, and go sick on the toilet for a good tug? I doubt his wife and kids would want to hear that. Subtitles are actually a pretty good idea. Especially when you have to translate the *squishy sounds*.
Another great suggestion some guys were railing about were having:
“More natural cumshots. I hate scenes where the sex just ends and there is a cut to him jerking off on her face or mouth.”
Someone answered:
“Yeah, what’s the deal with that? Now I have to jizz to some dude jerking himself off onto a face, with maybe some tits in the corner if I’m lucky. I feel like this is way overrepresented in porn as a way to finish.”
But the best part is, a third person replies:
“Let’s riot.”
These Redditors are hilarious. But this advice got some good insight from a supposed real porn actor:
“Porn actor here. It’s tough. Normally we use a desensitizing agent so I can rail the chick for like two hours, including reshoots and such, so jizzing on command is tough. I don’t like that extra cut but we gotta do it if it’s not happening.”
So, now we know.
And one of our favourites:
“For the love of god, lesbians don’t finger with 5′ nails.”
To that comment, a great reply:
“Also don’t call it lesbian if a guy walks in halfway through the video. That’s not how lesbian sex works.”
Touche!
We love what this Redditor had to say:
“Zoom out. I want to see the whole scene, not just a butthole.” And another person agreed: “I don’t understand why they get some absolutely stunning girl and then just do a zoom in of the hairy dick slamming into her cunt. Like, the reason you got a beautiful girl is because she has a beautiful face and/or body. Pussies look essentially the same.”
Yes, we’d rather see the beautiful women too. Talking about ass holes…another Redditor suggests:
“That shot from the rear when you just see an elephant skin sac flapping back and forth and the guys b-hole staring you in the face is not sexy.”
And probably the best advice that a porn director could take into consideration if he wanted more fans?
“Women also watch porn. And we’d probably watch more of it if you’d actually cast hot guys.”
We feel for this female Redditor who goes on to beg producers to:
“Please cast some conventionally attractive men in porn. Most of them are uggos because they’re just casting for the dick. I’d much rather see an attractive guy with an average penis than a fugly one with a massive schlong.”
So, if you’re a porn producer, take heed, there is a lot of good advice here to make the porn experience more satisfying for everyone.
What would your advice be? Let us know on Twitter.